Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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