me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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