You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
