My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
