i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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