I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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