So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
