I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
