dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize