I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
