hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
