Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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