Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
