did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
