just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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