Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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