by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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