Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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