Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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