if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i dont even know how to be here
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
