Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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