Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
