don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She even gives head with a lisp.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
