so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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