she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
