My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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