why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
