Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
