I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
