I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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