I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
