if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
