On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
