Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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