I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
