Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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