Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
