Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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