I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize