Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
