I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
