i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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