Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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