I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize