1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
