Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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