Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
