ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The uberlube is also flammable
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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