Can Purell be used as lube?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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