I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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