apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
