mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
