Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
